Allow me to preface this post by saying, I was not trolling porn websites to find this information. That’s really not what I do in my free time. Instead, this info on Hustler’s new video endeavors was readily available on AdWeek so please don’t think of me as some XXX Junkie. I’m not. Anyway, after seeing the article on AdWeek, I was so shocked at the obvious lack of further creativity by the brand that I had to post it. Here we go…
Larry Flynt’s pornographic magazine, website, and video empire Hustler must be running out of riveting themes for its movies because it’s now parodying popular commercials in its newly released film America’s Favorite Commercials Gone Porn (right). After overusing the postal guy “dropping off a package” or young girl “who will do anything for the big movie role”, Hustler is now taking catchy phrases and deals from brands you and I know well. Released last month, the film stars Lizz Tayler (right) amongst a few other actors whose names are meaningless unless you study this industry religiously.
The Hustler website describes the film as a “series of high quality shorts sure to give you some laughs, as well as some good times!” Rob Smith, director of operations for Hustler Video further explains that the film and its supporting videos “aren’t just porn, they are hilarious stand-alone parodies that even without the porn, are funny and entertaining”. While I’m pretty doubtful about that after seeing a few clips, you make your own decision. The shorts complied in the film include Aggressive Insurance (Progressive Insurance) with agent Ho (Flo), Whorbitz (Orbitz gum) [below], and 3 Dollar Footschlong (Subway, $5 Footlong), amongst others. When I tell you these shorts are bad, they are bad even for porn standards. I would love to play devil’s advocate and say that there’s a gleam of light in the shorts, but the only gleam comes when the short ends. Because of that, I can only give an opinion of a commercial junkie and a perspective as if I were a porn junkie.
As someone interested in watching commercials being parodied, this isn’t interesting, creative, entertaining, or funny. Sorry Rob. I have a hard time watching a minute of this and almost have to restrain myself from clicking the stop button. Somehow I manage to watch big boobied girls struggle with a script that has more that two sentences. Must have been the equivalent of them taking the LSAT. Not focusing specifically on their innate acting ability, both Hustler and the actors are most likely aiming for sales and an AVN (Adult Video News) nomination. At least they know their limitations. On the other hand, if I were someone interested in watching porn, this is wasting my time. First, 4 out of 5 of the actors are visually grotesque. If I squint my eyes and shake my head really quickly, one of the guys is acceptable. But my eyes automatically shut when I watch the botoxed Whorebitz “woman” with a bad weave and an immense amount of expired stage makeup cut people off before anything good happens. If I were a man, Viagra and Red Bull couldn’t even get me aroused after seeing these videos. Then on top of that the one to two minute dialogue is like nails on a chalkboard. Take for instance the loud and annoying 3 Dollar Footschlong, I want to drown her in an oil and vinegar combo just to shut her up.The shorts would have been better if the actors just got the action going as two hot girls walked across with a mock up banner of the brand name. Don’t talk, keep your mouth closed, someone bring the banner, and do what you do best (which doesn’t include much dialogue). Then I might given the video a second glance.
Maybe Hustler is trying to get some attention right before the AVN’s next January in Vegas and hopefully a win in Best Comedy or Best Selling Title. Seeing as this year’s win went to “Batman XXX: A Porn Parody” and “Pirates II: Stagnetti’s Revenge” won in 2010, the other nominees must be garbage if this film wins. If that’s the case, I don’t even want to see what kind of low budget trash the other nominees submit.
“Whorbitz Dirty Mouth” Short
To check out the other shorts making the video, check out the AdWeek article here.
“Whorbitz Dirty Mouth” Short: Hustler YouTube Channel